Bird Flu Virus Holds Press Conference

"Take it easy, Dude," Bird Flu says.

Bird Flu during a trip to Europe, Summer 2005 (AP Photo)

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS - In the wake of a media firestorm from bad press, including direct attacks from the U.S. Government, the Avian virus strain known as Bird Flu held a press conference yesterday on the steps of Boston's City Hall.

The Bird Flu, represented by a local area pigeon who would only refer to himself as Wesley Snipes II, felt the need to respond after a rash of negative publicity following the untimely death of American Idol star Bo Bice, who was attacked by Snipes II this past Sunday and died only hours later.

"Take it easy, Dude," Snipes said. "I fucking killed Bo Bice. OK, I get it. Some people like Bo Bice. Take it easy. It's not a big deal."

While the Bird Flu representative refused to apologize for the death of Bice, he did shed some like on the origins of the flu.

"So I'm at this bar in Europe, OK," Snipes II said. "And I see this broad on the other side of the bar. So I slide over and spit a little bird magic, if you know what I mean. That guy over there know what I'm talking about, right buddy? Yeah, you do."

"So anyways, we get back to her house," Snipes II continued. "I start out with a little oral and next thing you know-BOOM-I'm banging her every which way but inside out. Flash forward a couple days later, I come down with a sore throat and a constant burn and a scab on my bird flute."

"I'm sure you can all put two and two together on that one. But before they symptoms came up, I kind of messed around with a couple old girlfriends, who needless to say are really friggin' pissed right now, and I also took a couple dumps on the heads of humans while I was flying over Asia."

While Snipes II expressed some sorrow over creating the imminent pandemic, he showed minimal remorse.

"Do I feel bad that I started a plague that may wipe out the human race in less than five years? Sure I do," Snipes said. "And Should I have wrapped it up before I hit it that night in Europe? Definitely. But would I tap that again if I had the chance? No doubt."

Snipes II also reiterated a request for privacy for himself and his family, and announced his resignation as vice chairman of the charity organization Birds Against Bird Flu, citing a conflict of interest.

For more information on Bird Flu and the in-depth detailed account of the Bo Bice tragedy (the only one on the NET), please click here.