Bird Flu Claims First American Victim

Bo Bice, we hardly knew ye

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA - Providing further evidence that Bird Flu will wipe out 90% of the Earth's population by 1998, the tragic disease claimed its first U.S. victim on Sunday, as American Idol's Bo Bice was attacked by a small pigeon and died only hours later.

"I just fucking hated the guy," the pigeon, who refused to supply his name, said. "Number one, I hate reality television. It's just so 90s. I mean, come on. Can't U.S. television producers and writers supply another genre of television shows for primetime mainstream audiences? Is that too much too ask?"

The news of Bice's death shook the U.S. on Sunday. George W. Bush, the nation's president and one of the leading opponents of bird flu throughout the world, was in shock as he spoke to a worldwide audience Sunday night.

"There's an old saying in Tennessee," Bush said. "I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee. Fool me once Bird Flu, shame on-shame on you. Fool me twice Bird Flu, you can't get fooled again."

Bush also said, as a result of the Bice death, more troops were needed in the Middle East and urged all citizens of the Middle East to protect any oil wells for U.S. troops.

Despite the president's comments, the pigeon was unimpressed.

"Listen, I have the flu," the bird said. "It's not my fault humans are pussies. That not an 'MP', that's a 'YP'. As in, not my problem, your problem. Is it a shame Bo Bice had to die as a combination of weak immune systems in humans and my distaste for the overexpose of reality TV? Well, not really. But you get the point of what I'm trying to say."

The bird, who said he obtained bird flu after a sexual encounter with a prostitute, was cryptic as to whether he would strike again.

"Now that you bring that up, I really hate soccer," he said. "So watch your back, Alexi Lalas. And you know those pants girls wear that aren't really shorts but they're not pants either? Capris? I hate that shit too. Who invented those anyways?"