Bird Flu Virus Holds Press Conference

"Take it easy, Dude," Bird Flu says.

Bird Flu during a trip to Europe, Summer 2005 (AP Photo)

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS - In the wake of a media firestorm from bad press, including direct attacks from the U.S. Government, the Avian virus strain known as Bird Flu held a press conference yesterday on the steps of Boston's City Hall.

The Bird Flu, represented by a local area pigeon who would only refer to himself as Wesley Snipes II, felt the need to respond after a rash of negative publicity following the untimely death of American Idol star Bo Bice, who was attacked by Snipes II this past Sunday and died only hours later.

"Take it easy, Dude," Snipes said. "I fucking killed Bo Bice. OK, I get it. Some people like Bo Bice. Take it easy. It's not a big deal."

While the Bird Flu representative refused to apologize for the death of Bice, he did shed some like on the origins of the flu.

"So I'm at this bar in Europe, OK," Snipes II said. "And I see this broad on the other side of the bar. So I slide over and spit a little bird magic, if you know what I mean. That guy over there know what I'm talking about, right buddy? Yeah, you do."

"So anyways, we get back to her house," Snipes II continued. "I start out with a little oral and next thing you know-BOOM-I'm banging her every which way but inside out. Flash forward a couple days later, I come down with a sore throat and a constant burn and a scab on my bird flute."

"I'm sure you can all put two and two together on that one. But before they symptoms came up, I kind of messed around with a couple old girlfriends, who needless to say are really friggin' pissed right now, and I also took a couple dumps on the heads of humans while I was flying over Asia."

While Snipes II expressed some sorrow over creating the imminent pandemic, he showed minimal remorse.

"Do I feel bad that I started a plague that may wipe out the human race in less than five years? Sure I do," Snipes said. "And Should I have wrapped it up before I hit it that night in Europe? Definitely. But would I tap that again if I had the chance? No doubt."

Snipes II also reiterated a request for privacy for himself and his family, and announced his resignation as vice chairman of the charity organization Birds Against Bird Flu, citing a conflict of interest.

For more information on Bird Flu and the in-depth detailed account of the Bo Bice tragedy (the only one on the NET), please click here.

Eddie Guerrero 1967 - 2005

He lied. He cheated. He stole. But at least he was honest.

And before congress looks into anymore allegations about steroid use in baseball, maybe they should look towards professional wrestling, which has had over 40 steroid and drug related deaths in the last 10 years.

Bird Flu Claims First American Victim

Bo Bice, we hardly knew ye

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA - Providing further evidence that Bird Flu will wipe out 90% of the Earth's population by 1998, the tragic disease claimed its first U.S. victim on Sunday, as American Idol's Bo Bice was attacked by a small pigeon and died only hours later.

"I just fucking hated the guy," the pigeon, who refused to supply his name, said. "Number one, I hate reality television. It's just so 90s. I mean, come on. Can't U.S. television producers and writers supply another genre of television shows for primetime mainstream audiences? Is that too much too ask?"

The news of Bice's death shook the U.S. on Sunday. George W. Bush, the nation's president and one of the leading opponents of bird flu throughout the world, was in shock as he spoke to a worldwide audience Sunday night.

"There's an old saying in Tennessee," Bush said. "I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee. Fool me once Bird Flu, shame on-shame on you. Fool me twice Bird Flu, you can't get fooled again."

Bush also said, as a result of the Bice death, more troops were needed in the Middle East and urged all citizens of the Middle East to protect any oil wells for U.S. troops.

Despite the president's comments, the pigeon was unimpressed.

"Listen, I have the flu," the bird said. "It's not my fault humans are pussies. That not an 'MP', that's a 'YP'. As in, not my problem, your problem. Is it a shame Bo Bice had to die as a combination of weak immune systems in humans and my distaste for the overexpose of reality TV? Well, not really. But you get the point of what I'm trying to say."

The bird, who said he obtained bird flu after a sexual encounter with a prostitute, was cryptic as to whether he would strike again.

"Now that you bring that up, I really hate soccer," he said. "So watch your back, Alexi Lalas. And you know those pants girls wear that aren't really shorts but they're not pants either? Capris? I hate that shit too. Who invented those anyways?"

THE BARRY DARSOW TRILOGY: MRS. DARSOW'S BABY BOY COMES HOME

"I guess what I'm trying to say is, if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change."

- Rocky Balboa, Rocky IV

Editor's note: For the first two installments of the Barry Darsow story, please click here for part one and here for part two.

We pick up our odyssey in the mid-nineties, just after the Blacktop Bully had made his last stop in WCW. Just like Repo, Smash and the Krusher before him, BB disappeared and with him, a small piece of Barry Darsow disappeared as well.

Around this time in the suburban twin cities of Minnesota, there were rumbling of a possible Barry Darsow sighting. Surely, they had to be false, people said. How could a man who had disappeared for so long return? It was a miracle! Barry Darsow had resurfaced.

But something was different about Barry. His lifelong passions such as heavy metal and Soviet Union history had changed. He had found a new focus in life: golf. After a brief return to normalcy, Barry disappeared again, seemingly to dedicate his life to his new athletic pursuit.

So, it may come as no surprise where he would show up next.

In 1997, a new face burst on the scene in WCW, and he took the organization by storm. Calling himself "Hole in One" Barry Darsow, this amazing man was able to combine his two passions and make them one.

He was a true renaissance man. Following in the foot steps of Danny Ainge, Deion Sanders and Bo Jackson, he was a true two-sport star. In 1999, he ranked #1,608 in ESPN's SportsCentury Athlete of the 20th Century polling.

Unfortunately, "Hole in One" wasn't able to translate his success on the links into the squared circle. His won-loss record left much to be desired. And seemingly just as soon as he came in WCW, he had left.

Most agree that he moved down to Florida where he took up residency as the local pro at one of the top country clubs in South Beach.

Of course, one question always lingered: Were Krusher Kruschev, Repo Man, Smash, Blacktop Bully, and Mr. Hole in One in fact one in the same? Had Barry Darsow been the unknown identity for all of these men? Impossible, most say. But if anyone could do, it would be Barry D.

Which brings us to present day.

Today, Barry Darsow is everyman. A loving father, a suburban Minnesotan, a gentleman and a friend. He continues to be mum about his past and his passion for golf seems to have waned. A female powerlifter in Minnesota has a website devoted to Barry, which chronicles not only what a true gentleman he is, but also the day they met, their first lunch date, his current job as Account Executive with Management Resources Solutions and some fun trivia to bust out with your friends at the next boy-girl mixer.

There's also a chance to get a customized full color autograph of Demolition Smash at the site-for the low, low price of $34.95.

This lady obviously wants a massive piece of Big Daddy Barry.

But that's nothing new for BD.

He has truly found peace in his life. We know he is an account executive, but was he Krusher Kruschev? Was he Repo Man? Where was he for 15 years?

He won't divulge, instead saying that he spent that period of time doing what any true renaissance man would do: finding himself, trying new things and exploring his life.

But as its been said before, if anyone can be a Mother Russia loyalist, a face-painted buttless chap-wearing toughman, a reposesser, a truck driver a golf pro and an account executive without missing a beat, it's Barry Darsow.

Barry Darsow, we salute you. You are truly one of yesterday's heroes.